1. Dear Wesley,
I miss you so much and where ever you are I'll always love you.
Love, Fred

( nine more )

1. My first kiss was with this boy in first grade. His name was Joey and it was under the bleachers. Shh. Don't tell.
2. Doogie Hower, M.D. ... oh wait, that was just my wishful thinking.
3. My first "real" boyfriend, Jared. Sort of. Middle school and it lasted for two weeks. That's a long time in middle school years, guys.
4. Matt. He was pretty much my first everything else.
5. My junior year college roommate, Katie. I mean, what?
6. Charles. You really don't want me to count them.
7. Wesley. There were several, but there's one that really comes to mind.
8. That one time with Angel. Cough.
9. Knox, but let's not go there, okay? Okay.
10. Someone who will remain nameless but as been since I got back. It was something like Aaron or Eric.. I think.

There might be more, there might not. No reason to give that all away here, huh?

After it was all over and after I'd been given the soul, I left the Hyperion and wandered the sewers for a while but couldn't keep myself there. It's almost laughable to think about, but I needed air. I didn't need to breathe but the darkness and walls were suffocating me. Or at least that's part of what was sufocating me. It was the soul more than anything. But after I left the hotel and the sewers, I ended up on a playground. I sat in those swings for god knows how long and I didn't care if I felt a sunrise coming or not. I wasn't sitting there waiting for it, but I wasn't going to try and avoid it either.

What was I supposed to stay around for anyway? Everything was gone and I felt so lost. Faith was dead. Angel, and Angelus for that matter, were both dead. Connor was even more lost than I was if that were at all possible. There was a part of me that wanted to stay with him or even for him to follow me that day, but I couldn't and I didn't wait for him. He was the closest thing I had to family left, but at the same time he'd been the one to sit back and watch me die. Maybe not literally, but another part of me died that day in the basement when only minutes before I'd been more alive than any amount of time I'd spent with Angelus. Maybe that's why I didn't stay and I didn't wait.

Spike found me on those swings. I'd almost forgotten that he was still here until then. The last time I'd seen him was back in the apartment when he'd tossed me around after he found Faith and I. He was trying to get me to go with him and leave. To get out of Los Angeles for a while and try to pick up the damn pieces that would never fit back together again. They were all gone and we were what was left. On those swings I realized I did have some family left.

This list pretty much can be read either way, so I'm combining the list.

1. Professor Siedel
2. Charles
3. Wesley
4. Angel
5. Cordelia
6. Connor
7. Lilah
8. Knox
9. Mama and Daddy
10. Me

// locked //

It's almost weird to think about where we all are now. I've always had my personal demons that come up to scare me in my dreams, but I guess it's been different than what I know everyone else always had. I used to think of myself as a strong willed person. I might be tiny but I could hold my ground better than you might think. I survived five years locked away in a hell dimension and lived to tell the tale about it. I wasn't just some little girl who always needing saving.

Now I get where the others are coming from more than I ever thought possible. I get more than ever why Faith had the tendency to pull away at first. Why she left for those few weeks and had to figure things out on her own. I get why Connor feels he's lived three different lives. I get why Angel keeps to himself and Spike too to some degree. They all had their scars that no one else was supposed to see. Scars and imperfections and things they've done that no one else should know about, especially not those they want to keep safe.

I was a vampire without a soul for only a couple days, but it was enough. This soul hurts more sometimes than any amount of torture Angelus could think up to lay on me like he did in the basement.

When I found out Faith had come back from hell, my first instinct was to run away and never let her see me for what I was now. I wasn't the same person she knew and cared for and I wasn't something "good" like I know she thought me as. I get why it was hard for her then and for everyone else who gets close enough to someone to let them see those imperfections. And as much as I want to hide them away, I can't. Not if I want that something back again that I had with her. I want to let her see me.

1. Eating.
2. Nighttime.
3. Showers.
4. Watching vampires go poof.
5. Sex.
6. A milkshake.
7. A joint.
8. Rollercoasters.
9. Summer.
10. Life in general.

Back in that basement, I was sure someone would come down the stairs and come to the rescue just in time. After I first got my soul, there was a part of me that hated all of them for not getting there in time. I hated Angelus for what he did to me, Angel for who he was to me, Connor for what he shoved into me, Spike for what he meant to me, and Faith for giving up on me. Well, giving up on herself. That's a lot of hate bottled up in a tiny girl like me. Can't lie and say all of it's gone, but I want it to be.

Angelus locked me in the truck of that car and I swore to myself I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of breaking me. When he had me locked in chains, I wasn't going to let him hear me scream. I was a tough girl who'd survived living in a cave for five years and escaping crazy Pyleans with their zappers. I could take a poor imitation of Angel trying to play big and bad on me.

I guess I underestimated him and I overestimated myself.

He heard me scream. More than once actually, but that's besides the point. All he needed was the one time and it was enough. He broke me that night and as a vampire I never plan to let it happen again.

This is no doubt much easier than it should be.

1. Angel
2. Connor
3. Wesley
4. Charles
5. Spike
6. Angel
7. Connor
8. Wesley
9. Charles
10. Spike

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Artist: Breaking Benjamin
Album: Phobia

1. The Diary of Jane
2. Breath
3. You
4. Evil Angel
5. Until the End
6. Dance with the Devil
7. Topless
8. Here We Are
9. Unknown Soldier
10. Had Enough
11. You Fight Me

Bonus tracks:
12. So Cold
13. Sooner or Later
14. Break My Fall
15. Blow Me Away

1. Angel
2. Charles
3. Wesley
4. Cordelia
5. Connor
6. Spike
7. Lorne
8. My parents
9. Not Illyria
10. The Powers... sort of.

1. Doogie Howser, M.D. Yes, I know he's fictional. I'd settle for Neil. Before or after the coming out, take your pick.
2. Connor
3. Angel
4. Cordy
5. Lorne
6. Knox. That didn't last long enough for there to be any kind of entanglement, thank you very much.
7. Keith Urban
8. The Dallas Cowboys
9. Tim McGraw. As long as he keeps his hat on.
10. Colin Firth. Every girl loves an accent and maybe he'd let me call him Mr. Darcy.

I've had plenty of fears over the past few years. Be it zap collars in the hands of any Pylean except Lorne, Angelus, demon goddesses who want to make me their worship slave, or portals opening up randomly when I'm walking down the street. A lot of things have happened and I've feared them happening again. Now? I don't really much care if they did. Zap collars .... well, let's just say I have a higher tolerance for pain these days. Jasmine isn't likely to come back. There's always the portal thing but I'm better equipped to take care of myself, plus I know a thing or two about getiting back from said portal hell of caves and multiple suns.

Then there's Angelus. I don't exactly "fear" him anymore. After all, the damage has already been done right? That fear came true with a big pointy, teethy bang. Sometimes I think I worry about what he'd think of me now. Not fear exactly... no, there's a whole different set of feelings I have towards Angelus now that definitely don't include fear. Though I guess I'd be worried, as my sire, he'd be disappointed. Whatever though, right? He'd gotten a soul stuffed into him way more than I had. So far anyway.

A lot's happened over the past few weeks even since Spike and I came back to the apartment. The big one? Faith and Angel coming back. Let's not even get started on how I wouldn't know how to act or what to say to Angel if and when I see him again. But Faith.. I wouldn't know where to start. What would I say to her? Hi, Faith I'm glad you're back from hell and guess what Connor gave me a spiffy new soul would you be my girlfriend again since I can't get you out of my damn mind for five minutes?

Apparently, I watch her long enough so that I can't stand it anymore and follow her to a bar, waiting outside like.. Angel. I really had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to make a run for it, but I couldn't force myself. I really must be embracing the masochistisc family tree now because the one person I feared the most was about to walk outside that door and look me in the face. I was terrified at finally knowing what she thought of me. Spike and Angel were different and I knew that. I might be apart of the soul club, but she knew me before I was turned. She knew me when I didn't a have a soul.

More than anything, I feared the look on of disgust on her face that might show up the second she saw me standing there.

[Open to Faith]

1. Sin Wagon by Dixie Chicks
2. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd
3. What's Your Fantasty by Ludacris
4. Did I Shave My Legs For This? by Deanna Carter
5. Unwell by Matchbox 20
6. I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
7. Little Good-byes by SHeDAISY
8. Bye Bye Bye by N*Sync
9. Cheeseburger in Paradise by jimmy Buffet
10. Don't Take the Girl by Tim McGraw

... Some of these I probably would since cold sober as well. It's just a thought to throw out there.

Everything is always a little darker on this side of a window. It doesn't matter if there's no tint or how clear the glass is. The moment you step out into the sunlight, things are brighter. Fred always enjoyed spending the day out in the sun. It could be sitting out in a park or taking a ride down the road with the top down, but feeling that warmth on her skin just made her feel good. Since she's been back in Los Angeles with Spike, Fred has gone back to Wolfram and Hart once or twice. Never since Angel and Faith have been back, but before she did go.

The building is covered with the tempered glass to keep out the sun's rays. At home, she and Spike have to keep the blinds shut and curtains drawn until the sun goes down but at Wolfram and Hart she can pretend life isn't as horrible as it really is.

She would stand in her office and in front of the window just looking at the city. It's just for a few hours then the sun sets andi Fred is back to reality again. The special glass is like a game teasing her with humanity. The line between light and dark is one she'll never be able to cross even though she would give just about anything to take that night back and not get into the car with him. Then she wouldn't be trapped inside the dark.

Everything is always a little darker on this side of a window, but Fred knows that's just where she belongs.

There's not much about my life lately that I actually want to talk about, but I guess since this seems to be the thing to do I might as well and get it all out there. First off, I guess I can start out with the easy stuff.

My name is Fred Burkle and I was born and raised in Texas. I had normal parents, a normal childhood, and occasionally went out to the woods behind my school to get high like a normal teenager. It was all very normal. After getting my undergrad, I moved to Los Angeles to study physics at UCLA. Nothing in LA is ever normal and soon my world was literally flipped upside down and inside out and it was then that I'd never see anything remotely "normal" ever again.

Five years of my life I lived in an alternate dimension called Pylea. Call me crazy if you want, but it's true. Actually, the crazy fits but I'm not crazy in saying that it happened. And trust me, you don't want me to show you or have you see it to believe it. I lived as a slave, lived in a cave for those five years until someone popped through and literally rode up on a horse and rescued me. Sounds like a fairytale, right? Well, not really.

I made it back to LA and life was okay for a while. Sure, there was the occasional apocalypse or higher being that wanted to take over the world but I'd learned to deal with it. Maybe it was just my new version of normal. All of that changed, though, when we saved the world from world peace and accepted a deal with the law firm of Wolfram and Hart. A place that had been our enemies since before I ever stepped back into this dimension and we were going to sign up and run their prized location of Los Angeles.

That was about a year ago and so much can change in a year's time.

Everything was just fine for the first few months. We weren't getting sucked into the firm's evil schemes, the business was going well, and I had my own multi-million dollar lab to play with as I pleased. Me and Spike were roommates and it was pretty perfect actually. He'd supply the Jack and coke and I'd get several rounds of hot wings and the video games. He was the best roommate a girl could ask for. Faith came into the picture a few months after we took over the firm as, at first, the new Vice President and then became a friend. Eventually... she became much more than that. It's cheesy, but she wasn't just my girlfriend; she was one of my closest friends. I don't think anyone, me included, ever saw us coming but we came and she was one of the best things that happened in my crazy life whether she wanted to believe it herself or not.

The only problem there was that we had a little bug who kept wanting to buzz in Faith's ear. Somehow, Angelus was sent in a package (yes, a package) to Faith while she was at work. For a while, they were literally connected so that they were stuck in the same room with each other. One would leave the other would pop right next to them. It took us a while, but eventually we figured out a way to get them apart and then Angelus ran off, but never so far that he wasn't close enough to cause trouble.

Like any good evil bitch, he went for the hurt instead of the kill. ...Well, when it came to Faith anyway. Yeah, he killed me instead. He used my relationship with both Faith and Angel against me and tricked me into getting into a car with him. I found myself soon locked in the trunk of a car and later chained to a wall with various sharp objects slashing into my skin. Two of those being his teeth. As the ultimate fuck you to his girl, Angelus took her girl and turned me into a vampire.

Still with me?

I was a vampire without a soul and of course I loved it. Freedom to do anything without regret or guilt and I had no one but the infamous Angelus to show me how. Faith and Connor showed up one night looking for me since I'd been missing ever since Angelus took me and I guess they got a pretty big surprise. They saw me with a brand new set of fangs. Faith and I ended back up at my apartment and after a few rounds, I was chained while she left to go do the one thing I never thought would happen. You see, with Angelus being back, Angel was still around. Faith didn't go back to kill Angelus himself but went for Angel banking on it taking Angelus out at the same time. Well, it worked. Both were turned to dust and I felt them die. Just like I'd later feel Faith die when Connor killed her for killing his father.

The story doesn't stop there though. After killing Faith, Connor met me at the Hyperion and after playing some family games of our own, he decided that I needed to join the souled vampire club. He stuffed my soul back into my chest and I hated him for it. I took off even though a part of me wishes I'd stayed with him. Angel and Faith were dead and both of us felt their losses more than anyone else. Instead, I ran into Spike and he was the one I could actually look at and see some of myself. He was a vampire with a soul after all.

Well, that's where I am now. I'm a living corpse of the shell of the shell of the person I used to be. Spike and I are back in the apartment. ...Angel and Faith are alive somehow but I still haven't seen them for myself. I'm not sure what will happen when and if I do. But who knows where things will go from here.

1. "Klyv mat chyvma, klvma chyt."
2. "It's like something out of Fitzgerald. - The man who can have everything but love. - Well, maybe in some ways you're better off, because love is... - Well, in a way it's everything. - But it's also heartache and disappointment. - And those are good things to avoid."
3. "I got lost. I got lost, and they did terrible things to me, but, but it was just a storybook. It was just a story with monsters, not real. Not in the world but - but if you're here and you see me then - then it's real! And it did happen. If you see what they made of me... I - I didn't mean to get so lost!"
4. "I don't know yet. But it's gonna be about pain. The halberd could work. Acting like I'm all addlebrained talking about other dimensions. Pylea? Never heard of it. Right. How 'bout a flail-whipping? Would that take a nice long time?"
5. "I would have done anything for him. Now all I wanna do is hurt him."
6. "All I know...is I miss you. Can't we just go back before any of this? I just want to go back, Charles. I just wanna..."
7. "No, I meant the shirt. I know I can get this stain out."
8. "Are you saying we should take the deal?"
9. "Yeah. Let's not be hasty about opening it. It's probably just a mummy."
10. "Will you kiss me? Would you have loved me? I'm so sorry."

Leave an anonymous reply with the following:

1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment.
4. One love note.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.

Some in order of importance, but others not so much really. Take your pick.

1. My parents
2. Professor Sidel
3. Angel
4. Any Pylean except Lorne
5. Lorne
6. Charles
7. Illyria
8. Cordy
9. Connor
10. Wesley

01. Would you give me your number?
02. Would you let me hug you anytime I wanted to?
03. Would you let me kiss you?
04. Would you watch a movie with me...even a really sappy one?
05. Would you let me take you out to dinner?
06. Would you drive me somewhere/anywhere?
07. Would you take a shower with me?
08. Would you have a fling with me?
09. Would you listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
10. Would you buy me a drink if I didn't have money?
11. Would you take me home for the night?
12. Would you let me sleep in your bed?
13. Would you sing karaoke with me?
14. Would you sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
15. Would you re-post this for me to answer your questions?
16. Would you come pick me up at 3am because my car ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere?
17. Would you cry if I died?
18. Would you dance with me?
19. sing happy birthday to me?
20. take advantage of me if I was drunk?
21. Would you strip for me?
22. Do you think I'm cute or hot?
23. Do you like my style?
24. Do you think I'm funny?

Comments are screened so you can be as honest as you want.